Have been away from my work since November 13 when I went to Ohio to say goodbye to Dancing Doris, my 93 year old mother who is now dancing in Heaven. My nine brothers and sisters were all with me when Mother made the leap. She was as prolific with her writing as she was with producing children. She wrote a poem for each of her own major life events and for those of her family and friends. Her grandchildren each chose one of her poems to read at the funeral. My son Raphael is living in Kazakhstan teaching the art of film making at the American International university and he could not join us. He wrote a poem for his grandmother and sent it on the computer. I read it at the funeral.
Mother kept a journal all her life and wrote essaies and short stories as well as her poems. I was surprised when we went through her possessions and discovered an entire chest of drawers filled with her writings.
When she was fifty years old she told me, "I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up." She filled her days with love, laughter, creativity, friendship and compassion. We know she is saving a good place for all of in Heaven where she now dances with the Lord of the Dance.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
My Disaster
I just got home from the hospital after major surgery when I received an email from my only son who was in Thailand with his wife and two children. He was taking part in a conference and brought his family for a vacation. The only trouble was the first day they arrived there was a terrible flood and they were forced to evacuate their hotel for another high on a hill. They learned the flood had washed out the ferrys and all the airports were closed so they did not know how they were going to leave that island and get to Bankok for the conference. The electricity stopped. There was an earth quake in the north of Thaliand. I was home watch the news and worrying about my son and his wife and my two grandchildren. Finally I got an email saying they had arrived in Bankok in time for the conference. The news also told me there was civil disorder at the airport and the British govenment had brought all the British citizens home. Finally I got the email we are home at last. That was the worst disasters I faced in my lifetime.
My Mentors
My first mentor was Grandfather Patterson who read stories to me, wrote letters to editors and typed up all the stories I made up before I learned the art of putting words on paper. He helped me appreciate my first rejection slips telling me they showed I had written something and sent it out which was what professional writers do.
My Grandmother Brown was another mentor. When I was 12 years old, she called me aside and said, “I want you to help me tell my life story for all my children and grandchildren.” Grandmother described her growing years, meeting Grandpa, getting married, having children, going from olden days to modern days. She had a gift of being sensual, making you smell the lilacs, feel the thorns, see the waterfalls, hear the horses, and feel the udders as she milked the cows.
I always loved to read and from William Faulkner I learned to create pictures with my words and to find the exact word to describe an object or thought.
From Ernest Hemingway I learned to share the most important facts with my reader while having a mountain of secrets hidden in my head and heart suppporting the information I shared in the writing. I saw my work as an iceberg with the essential on top but the majority of the work underneath, hidden but supporting the top.
My next mentor was Mrs. Freshour, my next-door neighbor and English teacher at school. She taught me to love reading good literature and when I was chosen to give the Valedictory speech she helped me learn to do research and use it effectively.
When I met Anais Nin, she told me of friends from all walks of life, and travels around the world. I wished to imitate her love of life, her sensitivity, her commitment to her work. “I always answer every letter I receive,” she said. “I never know how my answer will help someone.” I loved her compassion and passion.
My spiritual mentor was Mother Teresa. I was blessed with spending time with her and Anais Nin. The most important thing she taught me about writing was if you write about her work, you must commit yourself to doing the work, no matter how dirty you get your hands. You cannot write about poverty unless you live with the poor. I became a coworker and she gave me permission to write. “Mother Teresa, Called to Love”and “What Mother Teresa Taught Me” which was published by St Anthony Messenger Press and in Arabic by an Egyptian publisher.
My Grandmother Brown was another mentor. When I was 12 years old, she called me aside and said, “I want you to help me tell my life story for all my children and grandchildren.” Grandmother described her growing years, meeting Grandpa, getting married, having children, going from olden days to modern days. She had a gift of being sensual, making you smell the lilacs, feel the thorns, see the waterfalls, hear the horses, and feel the udders as she milked the cows.
I always loved to read and from William Faulkner I learned to create pictures with my words and to find the exact word to describe an object or thought.
From Ernest Hemingway I learned to share the most important facts with my reader while having a mountain of secrets hidden in my head and heart suppporting the information I shared in the writing. I saw my work as an iceberg with the essential on top but the majority of the work underneath, hidden but supporting the top.
My next mentor was Mrs. Freshour, my next-door neighbor and English teacher at school. She taught me to love reading good literature and when I was chosen to give the Valedictory speech she helped me learn to do research and use it effectively.
When I met Anais Nin, she told me of friends from all walks of life, and travels around the world. I wished to imitate her love of life, her sensitivity, her commitment to her work. “I always answer every letter I receive,” she said. “I never know how my answer will help someone.” I loved her compassion and passion.
My spiritual mentor was Mother Teresa. I was blessed with spending time with her and Anais Nin. The most important thing she taught me about writing was if you write about her work, you must commit yourself to doing the work, no matter how dirty you get your hands. You cannot write about poverty unless you live with the poor. I became a coworker and she gave me permission to write. “Mother Teresa, Called to Love”and “What Mother Teresa Taught Me” which was published by St Anthony Messenger Press and in Arabic by an Egyptian publisher.
What Mother Teresa Taught Me
When one of my friends joined Mother Teresa’s Missionaries of Charity she
invited me to come to the St. Rita’s church in the Bronx to hear her take
her vows. The church was overflowing with people who had come to meet
Mother Teresa. People were coughing, whispering, moving around but
suddenly all was silent. We were all in awe as the tiny little nun
walked from the back of the church to the altar.
I knew Mother was small but I had never realized how short she was and
yet she seemed to have a light that shone around her and filled the
entire church. Silence reigned all the time Mother Teresa was speaking.
She began her talk with the Indian greeting of putting the hands together
like praying hands and bowing to Jesus within each of us.
Everyone in the room seemed to feel as though Mother Teresa was speaking
only to them. It didn’t matter whether she was saying something
beautiful like, “Let us do little things with great love,” or some often
spoken cliché, she put her whole heart and great love into each word and
they all seemed new and inspired. I heard her tell the same story over
and over about how she took rice to a poor Hindu woman with five children
who had not eaten for days and the woman immediately began sharing the
food and took half of it to her next door neighbor who was a Muslim. She
told Mother Teresa, “Our neighbors have not eaten either.” Each time
Mother told that story, she relived it in her mind and it was always
moving and inspiring.
Mother Teresa taught me about writing when she told about a man who wrote
books explaining how to end world hunger. She asked him, “What do you do
when you meet a person who has not eaten for days?” He said, “I don’t
meet hungry people. I work with people who can help them.” Mother
asked, “How can you write about hunger if you have never been near a
hungry person?”
I became a Co-worker of Mother Teresa’s and helped her Missionaries of
Charity nuns to care for abandoned children in El Florido, Mexico, worked
in soup kitchens in Tijuana,
and in the Bronx, taught orphans from Nicaragua and Guatemala how to
speak English, visited children with Leprosy and AIDS in South Africa and
worked briefly at Mother’s home for the dying in Calcutta.
When I developed a life-threatening brain tumor I joined Mother Teresa’s
Sick and Suffering Co-workers offering all my sufferings, fears and
prayers for the work.
When Mother Teresa gave me written permission to write about the work, I
shared the note with her friends, nuns, brothers, priests and Co-workers
and they gave me information, their favorite stories of Mother, answered
my questions and corrected my manuscript.
Mother Teresa, Called to Love was published in 2000 and when Mother
Teresa’s Missionaries and friends read it they wrote me, “It is so
wonderful to be learning new things about our beloved Mother Teresa.”
I was blessed to be able to fly to Rome with a Catholic youth group when
Mother Teresa was canonized in October 2003.
When I was a little girl my grandfather would read me stories from his
favorite magazine St. Anthony’s Messenger. At five years old I made up a
story called Pray for the Wanderer inspired by my favorite hymn.
Grandfather typed it up and sent it to the magazine. Two months later I
received my first rejection slip. Grandfather said, “That’s wonderful.
That paper shows that you wrote something and you sent it out. That is
all you have to do to be a writer.”
Now many years later St. Anthony Messenger Press has published What
Mother Teresa Taught Me.
Last month in the airplane on my way to my hometown I made a list of the
things Mother Teresa had taught me. Here it is:
*It is not important what you do. What matters is how much love you put
into it.
*Never worry about money. If God wants you to have or do something He
will give you the money you need. If the money does not come, He doesn’t
want it or He wants you to wait. But He always gives us the money for
anything He really wants us to have.
*When you pray, talk to God the way you would talk to anyone you love and
do not forget to listen to Him. What He has to say to you is what is
really important.
*Right after you ask God for a request thank Him immediately with as much
energy in the thank you as in the request.
*See death as my friend, the quickest way home to God.
*Live your Faith so that you are a light for others but never try to
force your beliefs on another. Mother said, “I would die for my Faith
and I would love to share it with all I meet but we never know how God is
speaking to a soul so all we can do is help Christians be better
Christians, Muslims be better Muslims, Hindus better Hindus, all closer
to God and love one another as He loves us;”
*A smile is the beginning of peace.
*All life is a gift from God and every human being is precious to Him.
*Prayer is the strongest power in the Universe.
*When you are working, do not worry about numbers. We help one person at
a time.
*When you accept a duty, do it well and joyfully or don’t agree to do it
at all.
*Regular prayer is very important. Mother Teresa loved the Rosary and
she and her sisters prayed it as they walked from place to place. When
Mother Teresa asked the Sisters, “How far was it the house?” they would
answer, “Three rosaries.”
*Mother’s work in India was revolutionary according to the caste system.
Many high caste women became Missionaries of Charity taking care of many
of the poor outcasts.
*See God in everyone, especially in would be enemies. We should see them
as Jesus in his most distressing disguise.
*Preach and teach without words using loving actions.
*Share your Joy. She had a requirement for Sisters, a cheerful
disposition.
*Whatever you do for the least of His people you do for Jesus.
*Mother told us at the Last Judgment we would be asked what we had done
for the homeless, the hungry, the naked, and the prisoner.
*Jesus’ mother Mary is the Cause of Our Joy because she gave us Jesus.
*Better to make mistakes while being kind than being unkind while doing
miracles.
*Nothing is more important than helping souls find God.
*We give to the poor for love what others give to the rich for money.
*We need to learn to recognize the many beautiful miracles God gives us
each day.
*Mother preferred people to volunteer their time and hands than their
money. She wanted our work with her to help us get closer to God and our
neighbor.
*We need to live one day at a time depending on God’s providence.
*Never let anything fill you with sorrow so you forget the joy of the
risen Christ.
*We must be faithful in little things. It is more important to be
faithful, than to be successful.
*Begin at home. Make your home a Nazareth where Jesus can feel at home.
*The prayers and sacrifice of the Contemplative orders and the Sick and
Suffering co-workers are a powerful help for the active workers. Mother
said their contribution was even more important than the work of the
active missionaries.
*Mother Teresa went to services and prayed with Jews, Hindus, Muslims,
Buddhists,
Muslims, Sikks, Anglicans and others.
*Mother felt the worst disease was feeling abandoned, lonely, unwanted
and unloved.
*Time is much more valuable than money. Time is life and we must fill
our time with meaningful loving acts sharing joy that prepares us for
eternity.
*We need to get our priorities right, Spiritual life is most important.
Our material goods are meant to be shared.
*We must not waste food, clothing, blankets, time, energy.
*The poor have the right to live in decent conditions.
*Mother Teresa was pro-life from womb to tomb. She wrote to a governor
begging him to spare the life of a mentally retarded serial prisoner who
was to be executed.
*Mother Teresa saved the lives of some children in the midst of a war and
she declared that no war is just. A reporter told her, “Your church
believes in a just war.” She said, “Maybe I am not a good Catholic. I
could never believe in people treating one another this way.”
*Every opportunity to do an act of kindness is a gift from God. Don’t
waste it.
*Everyone must be respected and enjoy freedom of thought, religion and
expression.
*Never speak ill of anyone for Jesus said, “Judge not least you be
judged.”
*Forgive as you wish to be forgiven.
*Fear nothing. If God is with us who can be against us.
*There is no great difference in the reality of one country or another
because it is always people you meet everywhere. God did not separate
the world into different countries; people did.
*You do not have to feel love to live love.
Mother Teresa inspired us to pray and to serve. She gave us a new love
for the Gospel by living by its principles and by quoting it often. She
reminded us of Jesus’ special love for the poor and the ill and how we
can love God whom we can not see by loving those around us that we do
see. She reminded us that holiness is not a luxury for the few. We are
all called to be holy, called to love one another as Jesus loves us all.
invited me to come to the St. Rita’s church in the Bronx to hear her take
her vows. The church was overflowing with people who had come to meet
Mother Teresa. People were coughing, whispering, moving around but
suddenly all was silent. We were all in awe as the tiny little nun
walked from the back of the church to the altar.
I knew Mother was small but I had never realized how short she was and
yet she seemed to have a light that shone around her and filled the
entire church. Silence reigned all the time Mother Teresa was speaking.
She began her talk with the Indian greeting of putting the hands together
like praying hands and bowing to Jesus within each of us.
Everyone in the room seemed to feel as though Mother Teresa was speaking
only to them. It didn’t matter whether she was saying something
beautiful like, “Let us do little things with great love,” or some often
spoken cliché, she put her whole heart and great love into each word and
they all seemed new and inspired. I heard her tell the same story over
and over about how she took rice to a poor Hindu woman with five children
who had not eaten for days and the woman immediately began sharing the
food and took half of it to her next door neighbor who was a Muslim. She
told Mother Teresa, “Our neighbors have not eaten either.” Each time
Mother told that story, she relived it in her mind and it was always
moving and inspiring.
Mother Teresa taught me about writing when she told about a man who wrote
books explaining how to end world hunger. She asked him, “What do you do
when you meet a person who has not eaten for days?” He said, “I don’t
meet hungry people. I work with people who can help them.” Mother
asked, “How can you write about hunger if you have never been near a
hungry person?”
I became a Co-worker of Mother Teresa’s and helped her Missionaries of
Charity nuns to care for abandoned children in El Florido, Mexico, worked
in soup kitchens in Tijuana,
and in the Bronx, taught orphans from Nicaragua and Guatemala how to
speak English, visited children with Leprosy and AIDS in South Africa and
worked briefly at Mother’s home for the dying in Calcutta.
When I developed a life-threatening brain tumor I joined Mother Teresa’s
Sick and Suffering Co-workers offering all my sufferings, fears and
prayers for the work.
When Mother Teresa gave me written permission to write about the work, I
shared the note with her friends, nuns, brothers, priests and Co-workers
and they gave me information, their favorite stories of Mother, answered
my questions and corrected my manuscript.
Mother Teresa, Called to Love was published in 2000 and when Mother
Teresa’s Missionaries and friends read it they wrote me, “It is so
wonderful to be learning new things about our beloved Mother Teresa.”
I was blessed to be able to fly to Rome with a Catholic youth group when
Mother Teresa was canonized in October 2003.
When I was a little girl my grandfather would read me stories from his
favorite magazine St. Anthony’s Messenger. At five years old I made up a
story called Pray for the Wanderer inspired by my favorite hymn.
Grandfather typed it up and sent it to the magazine. Two months later I
received my first rejection slip. Grandfather said, “That’s wonderful.
That paper shows that you wrote something and you sent it out. That is
all you have to do to be a writer.”
Now many years later St. Anthony Messenger Press has published What
Mother Teresa Taught Me.
Last month in the airplane on my way to my hometown I made a list of the
things Mother Teresa had taught me. Here it is:
*It is not important what you do. What matters is how much love you put
into it.
*Never worry about money. If God wants you to have or do something He
will give you the money you need. If the money does not come, He doesn’t
want it or He wants you to wait. But He always gives us the money for
anything He really wants us to have.
*When you pray, talk to God the way you would talk to anyone you love and
do not forget to listen to Him. What He has to say to you is what is
really important.
*Right after you ask God for a request thank Him immediately with as much
energy in the thank you as in the request.
*See death as my friend, the quickest way home to God.
*Live your Faith so that you are a light for others but never try to
force your beliefs on another. Mother said, “I would die for my Faith
and I would love to share it with all I meet but we never know how God is
speaking to a soul so all we can do is help Christians be better
Christians, Muslims be better Muslims, Hindus better Hindus, all closer
to God and love one another as He loves us;”
*A smile is the beginning of peace.
*All life is a gift from God and every human being is precious to Him.
*Prayer is the strongest power in the Universe.
*When you are working, do not worry about numbers. We help one person at
a time.
*When you accept a duty, do it well and joyfully or don’t agree to do it
at all.
*Regular prayer is very important. Mother Teresa loved the Rosary and
she and her sisters prayed it as they walked from place to place. When
Mother Teresa asked the Sisters, “How far was it the house?” they would
answer, “Three rosaries.”
*Mother’s work in India was revolutionary according to the caste system.
Many high caste women became Missionaries of Charity taking care of many
of the poor outcasts.
*See God in everyone, especially in would be enemies. We should see them
as Jesus in his most distressing disguise.
*Preach and teach without words using loving actions.
*Share your Joy. She had a requirement for Sisters, a cheerful
disposition.
*Whatever you do for the least of His people you do for Jesus.
*Mother told us at the Last Judgment we would be asked what we had done
for the homeless, the hungry, the naked, and the prisoner.
*Jesus’ mother Mary is the Cause of Our Joy because she gave us Jesus.
*Better to make mistakes while being kind than being unkind while doing
miracles.
*Nothing is more important than helping souls find God.
*We give to the poor for love what others give to the rich for money.
*We need to learn to recognize the many beautiful miracles God gives us
each day.
*Mother preferred people to volunteer their time and hands than their
money. She wanted our work with her to help us get closer to God and our
neighbor.
*We need to live one day at a time depending on God’s providence.
*Never let anything fill you with sorrow so you forget the joy of the
risen Christ.
*We must be faithful in little things. It is more important to be
faithful, than to be successful.
*Begin at home. Make your home a Nazareth where Jesus can feel at home.
*The prayers and sacrifice of the Contemplative orders and the Sick and
Suffering co-workers are a powerful help for the active workers. Mother
said their contribution was even more important than the work of the
active missionaries.
*Mother Teresa went to services and prayed with Jews, Hindus, Muslims,
Buddhists,
Muslims, Sikks, Anglicans and others.
*Mother felt the worst disease was feeling abandoned, lonely, unwanted
and unloved.
*Time is much more valuable than money. Time is life and we must fill
our time with meaningful loving acts sharing joy that prepares us for
eternity.
*We need to get our priorities right, Spiritual life is most important.
Our material goods are meant to be shared.
*We must not waste food, clothing, blankets, time, energy.
*The poor have the right to live in decent conditions.
*Mother Teresa was pro-life from womb to tomb. She wrote to a governor
begging him to spare the life of a mentally retarded serial prisoner who
was to be executed.
*Mother Teresa saved the lives of some children in the midst of a war and
she declared that no war is just. A reporter told her, “Your church
believes in a just war.” She said, “Maybe I am not a good Catholic. I
could never believe in people treating one another this way.”
*Every opportunity to do an act of kindness is a gift from God. Don’t
waste it.
*Everyone must be respected and enjoy freedom of thought, religion and
expression.
*Never speak ill of anyone for Jesus said, “Judge not least you be
judged.”
*Forgive as you wish to be forgiven.
*Fear nothing. If God is with us who can be against us.
*There is no great difference in the reality of one country or another
because it is always people you meet everywhere. God did not separate
the world into different countries; people did.
*You do not have to feel love to live love.
Mother Teresa inspired us to pray and to serve. She gave us a new love
for the Gospel by living by its principles and by quoting it often. She
reminded us of Jesus’ special love for the poor and the ill and how we
can love God whom we can not see by loving those around us that we do
see. She reminded us that holiness is not a luxury for the few. We are
all called to be holy, called to love one another as Jesus loves us all.
Give me Liberty
“Give me your tired, your poor, your wretched masses yearning to be free. I lift my lamp beside the golden shore.” The Statue of Liberty
When did America go from being the land of opportunity for all the world
to a frightened place of gun men storing up food and supplies in case of an emergency
and pulling out their guns whenever some needy people come for help?
When Mother Teresa was in California she said the poverty of Mexico was worse than the poverty of Calcutta because it was so close to America where most people had so much more than they need.
When I was in Mexico with Mission Circle and Habilitat I found a woman and her three children and her sister’s baby sleeping on the wooden planks around a hog pen because that was the warmest spot they could find.
I spoke with one woman whose two children had fevers and were crying all night for a drink of water. When she saw they were not going to be able to sleep, she climbed a hill and walked a mile to her sister’s house and her sister had only one glass of water which the lady carried home to her two sick children.
Why do we who have so much worry about what immigrants might take from us.
God did not create borders. People did. And Jesus said, “Whatever you do to the least of my people you do to me.” Why is it so many Christians fail to see Jesus in an immigrant?
When did America go from being the land of opportunity for all the world
to a frightened place of gun men storing up food and supplies in case of an emergency
and pulling out their guns whenever some needy people come for help?
When Mother Teresa was in California she said the poverty of Mexico was worse than the poverty of Calcutta because it was so close to America where most people had so much more than they need.
When I was in Mexico with Mission Circle and Habilitat I found a woman and her three children and her sister’s baby sleeping on the wooden planks around a hog pen because that was the warmest spot they could find.
I spoke with one woman whose two children had fevers and were crying all night for a drink of water. When she saw they were not going to be able to sleep, she climbed a hill and walked a mile to her sister’s house and her sister had only one glass of water which the lady carried home to her two sick children.
Why do we who have so much worry about what immigrants might take from us.
God did not create borders. People did. And Jesus said, “Whatever you do to the least of my people you do to me.” Why is it so many Christians fail to see Jesus in an immigrant?
Beauty Tips of a Successful Call Girl
I had been living in Haiti for six months and my friend Big Bad John was looking after my apartment.
I returned home unexpectedly and found a beautiful woman sleeping in my bed. The next morning she introduced herself as Ginny. She explained that she was a friend of my friend Big Bad John and he had offered her my place while I was out of town.
She had a rather luxurious apartment of her own but she used it for work and John had suggested she could relax better at my apartment.
She shared some of her beauty tips with me and I wrote a book "Beauty Tips of a Successful Call Girl." Drake Publishers liked the book but before they could publish it my friend Jeni Wolf and I finished Runaways, America's Lost Youth. Anais Nin did the preface and my first nonfiction book was published.
I returned home unexpectedly and found a beautiful woman sleeping in my bed. The next morning she introduced herself as Ginny. She explained that she was a friend of my friend Big Bad John and he had offered her my place while I was out of town.
She had a rather luxurious apartment of her own but she used it for work and John had suggested she could relax better at my apartment.
She shared some of her beauty tips with me and I wrote a book "Beauty Tips of a Successful Call Girl." Drake Publishers liked the book but before they could publish it my friend Jeni Wolf and I finished Runaways, America's Lost Youth. Anais Nin did the preface and my first nonfiction book was published.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
How I stopped Smoking
I did not begin smoking until I was twenty-one years old, a sophomore in collage.. There was only one class in my university where the students were allowed to smoke and that was the creative writing class. And it seemed that everyone in that class smoked but me so I decided to conform even though I considered myself a nonconformist in dress, lifestyle and creativity.
It wasn’t long before I was a chain smoker going through more than one pack of cigarettes a day. When I published my first book How to Survive as a Freelance writer,an artist friend did a cartoon-type drawing of me for the cover. She had me
smoking one cigarette while I had two others burning in an ashtray next to my typewriter. This was not an exaggeration.
I am five feet five and weighed 110 pounds. Whenever I gained a few pounds I would go on a terrible fast of black coffee and cigarettes for a day or two until I was back to my precious `110 pounds.
I was still smoking when I met my husband. He was always begging me to stop smoking but I insisted it was my right and I continued. My beautiful long brown hair smelled of smoke even after a shampoo and all my clothes smelled of smoke no matter how much perfume I used.
When I got pregnant, I automatically stopped smoking because although I still wanted a cigarette as soon as I lit one I got violently sick at my stomach. I nursed my baby and did not start smoking again until he was ten months old when I became ill and was hospitalized and began to smoke once more out of boredom.
At home once more, I continued to smoke. My husband would say, “I don’t think it’s good for the baby to be around smoke.” But I could not bring myself to stop.
When our son, Raphael was three years old, he began saying, “Please put it out and make me happy,” each time I would light up. Although psychologically this made me want to stop, it made it impossible for me to enjoy the cigarette and made me want to smoke even more.
In those days I was not aware of the damage that smoke could do to my child or even to me. But I knew I wanted to stop and make my son happy. So I tried getting rid of all my cigarettes and eating a candy bar every time I wanted a cigarette. I didn’t really miss the smokes that much but I kept gaining weight and one day I got on the scale and saw I weighed 130 pounds.
So I bought a pack of cigarettes and decided to smoke until I was back to 110 and then I would find another way to quit without eating extra fattening food. This was a terrible mistake because I had actually stopped smoking for five months and had no real desire to smoke. It was only the fear of getting fatter than sent me back to the cigarettes.
I went to a Revival in Down town Honolulu where the minister was asking everyone addicted to drugs to come up to the altar to be prayed over. I went up for prayers.
My friends said, “Maryanne, you don’t take any drugs.” I told them I thought cigaretes was one of the worst drugs to be addicted to.
When I got home after the Revival, I wanted cigarettes as much as ever. I sat down and thought about the problem and it struck me that the worst thing for me when I stopped smoking the last time was I felt as though I had lost a good friend. I was mourning for the comfort and companionship the cigarettes had given me. How could I stop smoking without suffering this feeling of loss?
Then it came to me. I would never stop smoking but I would smoke only one cigarette each day. Each night before I went to sleep I would have my cigarette and that way I would not feel the mourning. I could wait all day if I knew I could have that one precious cigarette.
It was difficult getting through the first day but that midnight cigarette was worth waiting for. The first week wasn’t easy but knowing I would have that cigarette got me through each day.
For several months I smoked that one cigarette each night. Then came the night when I didn’t feel like smoking but I told myself I still had the right to smoke my nightly cigarette the next night. I did not feel the desire to smoke again for several months but I made sure I always had a pack of cigarettes for the midnight cigarette just in case I did want i t.
Then one night I went camping with a group of Health conscious friends. I didn’t even think of taking my cigarettes along as none of them smoked. But at midnight I got the intense desire for my cigarette. I tried to sleep but couldn’t. I woke everyone saying I had to have a cigarette. Several of them went with me to look for a store but we were in the country on the Big Island of Hawaii and there were no stores nearby. Only a few houses and all of them dark. Finally I found a farmhouse with a light on. I knocked at the door. The farmer came to the door in his pajamas. I asked him he had any cigaretes.
He handed me a pack of camels. :”It’s too late for smoking,” he said.
I thanked him and sat down and smoked the entire package.
\
The next morning my throat was so sore I could hardly talk and my stomach hurt and I had a headache, a terrible hangover. It was so bad that I never wanted to smoke again.
But I did keep a pack of cigarettes with me every night until one day they were so stale I was ready to throw them away when a friend, out of cigarettes and ready to smoke a butt, took the rest of them.
When I was a smoker I had frequent sore throats, colds and flus. My health has greatly improved. I no longer smell like smoke. My breathe is much fresher.
My concept of myself has changed. I now spend more time and energy on my health. I do Yoga exercises and take a walk every day, pay attention to the food I eat, choosing healthy foods. I was born in the country but I began to think of myself as a city girl who smoked and enjoyed the night. Now I think of myself as a country girl who loves the sunshine and the city and the night.
I finally quit smoking and made my son happy. He is now grown, married and has a baby of his own. None of them smoke
It wasn’t long before I was a chain smoker going through more than one pack of cigarettes a day. When I published my first book How to Survive as a Freelance writer,an artist friend did a cartoon-type drawing of me for the cover. She had me
smoking one cigarette while I had two others burning in an ashtray next to my typewriter. This was not an exaggeration.
I am five feet five and weighed 110 pounds. Whenever I gained a few pounds I would go on a terrible fast of black coffee and cigarettes for a day or two until I was back to my precious `110 pounds.
I was still smoking when I met my husband. He was always begging me to stop smoking but I insisted it was my right and I continued. My beautiful long brown hair smelled of smoke even after a shampoo and all my clothes smelled of smoke no matter how much perfume I used.
When I got pregnant, I automatically stopped smoking because although I still wanted a cigarette as soon as I lit one I got violently sick at my stomach. I nursed my baby and did not start smoking again until he was ten months old when I became ill and was hospitalized and began to smoke once more out of boredom.
At home once more, I continued to smoke. My husband would say, “I don’t think it’s good for the baby to be around smoke.” But I could not bring myself to stop.
When our son, Raphael was three years old, he began saying, “Please put it out and make me happy,” each time I would light up. Although psychologically this made me want to stop, it made it impossible for me to enjoy the cigarette and made me want to smoke even more.
In those days I was not aware of the damage that smoke could do to my child or even to me. But I knew I wanted to stop and make my son happy. So I tried getting rid of all my cigarettes and eating a candy bar every time I wanted a cigarette. I didn’t really miss the smokes that much but I kept gaining weight and one day I got on the scale and saw I weighed 130 pounds.
So I bought a pack of cigarettes and decided to smoke until I was back to 110 and then I would find another way to quit without eating extra fattening food. This was a terrible mistake because I had actually stopped smoking for five months and had no real desire to smoke. It was only the fear of getting fatter than sent me back to the cigarettes.
I went to a Revival in Down town Honolulu where the minister was asking everyone addicted to drugs to come up to the altar to be prayed over. I went up for prayers.
My friends said, “Maryanne, you don’t take any drugs.” I told them I thought cigaretes was one of the worst drugs to be addicted to.
When I got home after the Revival, I wanted cigarettes as much as ever. I sat down and thought about the problem and it struck me that the worst thing for me when I stopped smoking the last time was I felt as though I had lost a good friend. I was mourning for the comfort and companionship the cigarettes had given me. How could I stop smoking without suffering this feeling of loss?
Then it came to me. I would never stop smoking but I would smoke only one cigarette each day. Each night before I went to sleep I would have my cigarette and that way I would not feel the mourning. I could wait all day if I knew I could have that one precious cigarette.
It was difficult getting through the first day but that midnight cigarette was worth waiting for. The first week wasn’t easy but knowing I would have that cigarette got me through each day.
For several months I smoked that one cigarette each night. Then came the night when I didn’t feel like smoking but I told myself I still had the right to smoke my nightly cigarette the next night. I did not feel the desire to smoke again for several months but I made sure I always had a pack of cigarettes for the midnight cigarette just in case I did want i t.
Then one night I went camping with a group of Health conscious friends. I didn’t even think of taking my cigarettes along as none of them smoked. But at midnight I got the intense desire for my cigarette. I tried to sleep but couldn’t. I woke everyone saying I had to have a cigarette. Several of them went with me to look for a store but we were in the country on the Big Island of Hawaii and there were no stores nearby. Only a few houses and all of them dark. Finally I found a farmhouse with a light on. I knocked at the door. The farmer came to the door in his pajamas. I asked him he had any cigaretes.
He handed me a pack of camels. :”It’s too late for smoking,” he said.
I thanked him and sat down and smoked the entire package.
\
The next morning my throat was so sore I could hardly talk and my stomach hurt and I had a headache, a terrible hangover. It was so bad that I never wanted to smoke again.
But I did keep a pack of cigarettes with me every night until one day they were so stale I was ready to throw them away when a friend, out of cigarettes and ready to smoke a butt, took the rest of them.
When I was a smoker I had frequent sore throats, colds and flus. My health has greatly improved. I no longer smell like smoke. My breathe is much fresher.
My concept of myself has changed. I now spend more time and energy on my health. I do Yoga exercises and take a walk every day, pay attention to the food I eat, choosing healthy foods. I was born in the country but I began to think of myself as a city girl who smoked and enjoyed the night. Now I think of myself as a country girl who loves the sunshine and the city and the night.
I finally quit smoking and made my son happy. He is now grown, married and has a baby of his own. None of them smoke
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